My Kabbalah:
My Identity From the East to the West
PRESENCE: When people ask me, “Are you a Korean?” I hesitate before I can say, “Yes, I am.” I think I am, but then, I know I am not – at least not entirely. Some culturally shrewd people like my Math professor have asked: “Jessie, aren’t you a Korean?” With him, I dared not hesitate – a professor, who in Asian culture is revered, so I promptly answered. “Yes.” He continued, “Isn’t Chen a Chinese last name?” At this, I hesitated. He gave me an intense stare for a couple of minutes, expecting an answer. Instead of giving him what he was expecting, I counter-questioned him: “Are you saying, why is it that I look Korean but have a Chinese last name?” He nodded. I gave him a warm smile back without uttering a word. By then, showing signs of impatience, he asked again. “Your name is Jessica, isn’t it?” To this, I was quick to answer: “No, it is Jessie, and IT IS spelled JESSIE.” As I was leaving the bewildered professor, who was still standing in front of a math department, I mutely answered him: “My name is a mistake!” By that, I meant more than that my name was misspelled from a song “Jesse’s Girl” (by Rick Springfield); but, also because the name carries a trace of a broken relationship.
FOUNDATION: The last name “Chen” has been a passport for me to enjoy association with a man who has been called “Foundation of the Democratic Taiwan.” Chen’s grandfather has a friend named Li, Deng Hui, who was the first democratically elected president of Taiwan from 1988 – 2000. He served twelve years, the longest presidential term in Taiwanese history. The first four years, he was more a dictator than a president, but the remaining eight years, he drastically transformed as a personification of an ideal democratic leader. The sudden twist in his leadership approach was much credited to his aptitude and experience in politics. He has been a part of Taiwanese politics since his late twenties. He has served the General Chang, Ching Guo, the son of Chang, Kai Shek (the first dictator and a conqueror of Taiwan). Altogether, he has been living as a prominent political figure of Taiwan for almost 50 years.
His title “the Foundation of the Democratic Taiwan,” has more to do with his charismatic and mystical presence than his years and merits in politics. The times I had been near him, I strangely felt protected by his huge body. I had never seen a Taiwanese man who was taller or had a bigger face than he did. Everything about him was big: his eyes, nose, forehead, and chin, but most of all, his mouth. A mouth is an important piece of equipment for a politician. His speeches have always lifted the nation’s morale before, and today, they are still religiously sought after by many organizations and national events in Taiwan. His words have power: They calm the nerve of a nation that suffers persistent threats from the Mainland Chinese. Through him, I have learned an important principle: that a person’s mystical aura, coupled with a superb ability in communication, can instill a sense of security that is indispensable in building a strong psychological foundation. I know I have become his disciple when I see myself consciously trying to emulate his style when I am around people.
ETERNITY: The Chinese say, that a tiger leaves a skin when it dies but a man leaves a name when he dies. Yang, Tang Hai, the owner of Taiwan Cement Company, has twelve children: six daughters and six sons whose progeny, collectively, now number more than a hundred. I have never seen him worry about not leaving a name to his legacy. Ever since he reached the age eighty, he has been throwing lavish birthday parties each year honoring his name. Guests feel honored, too, to be a part of a party that costs 20 million U.S. dollars – much of which are donated to charities. He has hired writers to write five different biographical accounts of his life. I have all five. They were allotted to me for being a member of his family. Whenever I am with him, I wonder what helps him secure his immortality, his name. He wasn’t always rich and certainly did not have twelve children all at once. I also doubt that he had ever imagined that he would live to see his descendants numbering over a hundred. What I know is this: that things have come to him in tiny increments, almost unrecognizable in their significance. This has been an encouraging discovery for me. If I could be as humble as he has been, and have the necessary amount of confidence and persistence, and be willing to commit myself to building a career and a family, then, maybe, my name will be remembered too.
SPLENDOR: Susan Tsai has been the embodiment of splendor and style that has captivated me. Her artistic talent and taste comes from her father. Her father was a famous Korean Buddhist Temple Artist. Many of Korea’s famous Buddhist Temples have murals painted by Susan’s father. I met her while I was living in La Costa, San Diego. The fact that she married a Taiwanese, and thus also has a Chinese last name, made the two of us bond quickly. She owned a small contemporary gift shop in Del Mar by the ocean. Her selections in her store always mesmerized me. I bought as much as I could afford to. In essence, I became her. I did everything she did: I dressed and talked like her, even claimed that I liked Italian food as she did. We talked about going to Paris and Beijing to indulge ourselves in all forms of art. Six years ago, I left San Diego to live in Taiwan. She, too, has left San Diego for Boston. Though now we only e-mail, I still have her presence in me; for one, I often wear a scarf around my neck because she did.
BEAUTY: Mi-Hee Chang, as a symbol of beauty, was one of the most celebrated Korean actresses during the 70’s and 80’s. Her fame was comparable to that of Marilyn Monroe to the Koreans. Just as Marilyn had an affair with J.F. Kennedy, Mi-Hee Chang had an affair with the president of Korea at that time, Tae-Woo No. The first lady severely punished her for this. She ordered private doctors to perform a forced hysterectomy on Mi-Hee Chang – a procedure symbolically tearing down the actress’s femininity. Mi-Hee Chang is now in her 40’s, still attractive, but single; she has never been married. This gruesome incident of my adored celebrity made me believe that beautiful girls suffer in this life. This belief dominates me so much that beautiful celebrities worry me. I believe they are secretly suffering behind the scenes; I believe they are lonely.
LOVE: One of my acquaintances, Gina (pseudonym), was a girlfriend of the most wealthy and powerful man of Korea, Chung, Mong-Hyun, the president of Hyun-Dae Conglomerate, who committed suicide last year. Their relationship had begun in L.A., four years ago when Gina was 22. He had bought her a two million dollar house in La Canada and a convertible Mercedes 500. She had whatever she wanted that money could buy, except his presence. President Chung would only come twice a year to see Gina: once in the winter and once in the summer. He strictly ordered her to never call him. He called her only when it was convenient for him, which averaged about once a week. Still, she was madly in love with him. She was afraid to go out for she worried that some people might recognize her. She became extremely self-conscious and withdrew socially. The news of his death immediately caused her to fall into a depression requiring a lot of medications. Gradually, she has been going insane. Last time I saw her, she was in a hotel “La Mirage” of Las Vegas playing baccarat. Later, I heard through a friend that gambling had put her into a huge debt; and consequently, not being able to withstand harassment from Las Vegas creditors, she killed herself by mixing her medications with other drugs and alcohol. She decided to join President Chung: in hell or in heaven, I don’t know. I sobbed for hours upon the news of her death. Why? I hardly knew her. I must have had unconsciously identified with her – a romance gone sour with a rich and powerful man.
POWER: Hillary Clinton’s persona exudes ineffable power that encircles me. Everything about her inspires me. I have never seen her speak unpersuasively. I wonder whether her articulateness comes more by nature or nurture. But most of all, I wonder where she draws her energy from, especially when Clinton was unfaithful to her. I have sensed the coldness in her as well as passion. I have been told that I was a cold-blooded person, but in reality, I use my icy-coldness to cool off my burning passion; so, I must wonder whether Hillary sometimes cries herself to sleep overwhelmed by her emotions just as I do, time to time. What psychological wounds her husband carved out of her soul, I know, for mine was the same type. Yet she has shown no signs of feebleness. The trials have made her become more powerful in every aspect. She has triumphed over her trials and so will I!
UNDERSTANDING: Oprah Winfrey’s sincere expressions before her guests and her audiences resemble my imaginative image of my heavenly mother, the female god. I have always believed that God has a wife, whom I call my heavenly mother. She is too holy to be mentioned in the scriptures. I believe that God knew that people would take her name in vain, just as His name has been abused by human follies and vulgarities. To prevent mortals from desecrating Her holy name, he does not reveal Her existence but has given us Oprah Winfrey instead. Oprah is born with the sincere look that makes us believe that she understands: You and I, and everyone! How she understands! She understands people’s needs, desires, fears, and more. Her demeanor has taught me a moral principle: that in order to understand and be understood, one must first exhibit sincerity, or at least must be able to fake it. Though I am forbidden to call upon my heavenly mother, as long as I have Oprah on this planet, I think, I can manage.
WISDOM: Larry King is the wisest journalist I know. Watching him host his shows, one wonders how he mange to guide his guests to say what he wants them to say. In fact, guests on his shows display a certain tamed look; they come in with submissive attitude, almost desiring to give Larry whatever he wants. Often, the guests are so spell-bounded by his quietness that they become so loud – something they probably regret later. There is a Chinese saying that says, “Fewer words are holy words.” What this means is that laconic expressions in people can be identified as a Being with an immeasurable intellectual depth. Thus, Larry King’s laconic yet empathetic expressions contribute to his supernatural image. Though I am not a journalist like Larry King, I try to apply this principle to my everyday living. Wisdom, to me, is fewer words – I try to say less, and listen more, and thereby, gain more.
CROWN: My mother: I either adore her or abhor her – but, never free from her.
I have often envied orphans. How free they must be! Nothing about my mother is normal. She is eccentric, neurotic, possessive, manic-depressive, superstitious, religious, magnanimous, and greedy. She has been an entertainer all her life. She dances, sings, and acts and much more! She is too much! Oh, how I have prayed for freedom from her! She is the reason for everything that had gone wrong in my life; for one, I purposely intermarried outside my culture to stifle my mother’s ability to manipulate my life. However, as I got older, I started to perceive her from a different angle. Not only has she torn me down, she also has built me. Some quiet nights, I weep as I softly play the piano for I know that I owe her for the talents I now enjoy. Her obsession with me, in strange ways, has given me an unbeatable confidence. Though I knew there were people better, smarter, and prettier than me, I always knew I was the best thing for my mom. She loved me in powerful ways! The power that cannot be bought with money; the power that helps me move forward against all odds; the power that orphans can never fathom nor enjoy became mine. She has molded the very essence of my being: She is the crown of my life!
NOTHINGNESS: Life is a mistake that leads to nothingness. “Life is a mistake”: by this I mean that we should all make enough mistakes in this life to sort out the meaning in life; and when one thinks he/she has discovered the truth, in reality, it means “nothing.” The human phenomenon is limited to our mortal perceptions. What mortals seek here in this sphere promises no concrete union with the cosmos. The otherworldliness we try to grasp here will lead to nothing – only death will connect us to the other world. I am not ashamed of my misspelled name or the last name that carry traces of mistakes in this life that will mean nothing when I leave this world. Therefore, while I am here, I embrace all follies of mankind, make no claims, and deny no good reasons. I belong to all, not one: One ethnicity cannot contain nor sustain who I am, for I am complex and many. If someone asks me again about my ethnicity, I will show him/her my Kabbalah – holy rings of inspirational figures that have left a permanent mark in me, from the East to the West.
JC's Mental Portal 